Blessed be God, even the Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father
of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation,
that we may be able to comfort them
which are in any trouble, by the
comfort wherewith we ourselves are
comforted of God.
II Corinthians 1:3,4
The day for our college student spiritual retreat had finally arrived. Every detail had been worked through and things had come together as they were meant to. We had reserved a very large, old lodge out in the country where the landscape was very bleak and cold. Wouldn't you know it, a huge snow storm hit the area about the time students began to arrive. We soon found that the lodge wasn't really constructed with a very good heating system and the hot water heater was also grossly inadequate to take care of the cooking and grooming needs of 150 college students. Despite some inconveniences, we had all safely arrived and were ready for the Lord to do a work in our hearts. I had been on the planning committee, had even written the music for the theme song of the retreat and was pianist for the retreat as well. We had prayed as a committee toward this time and things were looking good. The committee arrived early to make preparations of meeting rooms, kitchen, etc. and we continued being busy through the arrival of participating students.
Then something happened in me that was almost frightening. I was surrounded by exciting people...students, a few college faculty members, speaker, workshop leaders and lodge personnel, but I found myself feeling about as down as I had felt in a very long time. Oh, I understood the let downs when a project is completed, but it was a down that was borderline depressing. I sat alone at a table pretending to look over some music when Stan, a friend who was chairman of our committee sat down by me and asked me what was wrong. I gave him the usual lie we tell people that nothing was wrong but he read right through me. I finally told him that an unhealthy case of the blues had hit me that I couldn't explain. Stan was one who seemed to always have all of the answers but wasn't haughty with it.. He proceded to give me his observations and steps I should take to pull out of the dulldrums. He closed with the usual, "I know just how you feel." No he didn't. He may have gone through something similar, but to know just how I felt...WRONG!!
We've all heard that phrase that Stan shared with me no matter the test, problem or experience we were going through. Someone always has to say something to try to make us feel better and they often do more damage than good. I'm afraid I've been on the giving end of that too many times. People face different problems that many times involves loneliness or loss, for instance:
* My neighbor Lester lost his wife of 62 years to cancer this last September. He's lonely.
* My friend Karen just sent her son and daughter off to college. Life is difficult right now.
* I just moved away from people I love dearly and I miss them.
* I have two nieces whose mother passed away in January...loss and adjustment.
* A friend I have, recently got news from a surgeon she didn't want to hear.
* My sister told me about a couple who had their small dog stolen from their back yard.
* A young missionary couple went on the foreign field for the first time away from all that's familiar.
* A young mother just gave birth to her first baby but her husband is overseas in Afghanistan.
* A business man has been gone for a week to a distant state. He misses his family.
Our list could go on and on of things people go through that may be small things to us but, it isn't to the person experiencing the problem. We live in a world where it is sometimes hard for people to relate to others who are going through major and perhaps traumatic events.
Here's what concerns me about us. We can look at the above list and try to say words of comfort and encouragement to folks we have some things in common with. I haven't lost a spouse but I have sent kids off to college. I've never had to give birth to a baby with my husband not present, but I have been on extended mission trips away from friends and family. Whether we can relate to any of those instances listed or others, there are some words we must be careful in speaking..."I know how you feel...Been there, done that" and whatever other quicky and clever things we can think to say when we mean well.
Can I relate to Karen (on my above list) who just saw her two children off to college? I can relate as I recall driving a daughter across country to a university. I sobbed all the way home and most of every day for a month. Do I know exactly how Karen feels in her quandry of emotions? No...because those feelings are unique to her and where she is in her life right now. We are all uniquely different and even though we've had similar experiences, we will never really know exactly how the other person feels. In communicating with Karen she said that rather than people asking, "How are you doing?"...or..."Are you okay?"...she would rather someone had just come up and given her a hug. In this process of adjusting to a new situation, Karen has learned some things to do and some things not to do when she tries to help people who are going through a similar experience as she has been. She is more knowing now as to how to minister to someone who may have to go through something similar to what she has gone through. She, like many of us, has been taking courses in the "School of Ministry" and hasn't realized it. I can somewhat relate to what Karen is going through with seeing children off to college because I have gone through that experience. I know the sting loneliness and loss will smart for awhile for Karen, but the Lord in His faithfulness will see her through. I think I know some of where she will be a year from now, but I won't tell her that now. She will know. She will come across a teary mom next August that will be taking her high school graduate to college for the first time. Inside Karen will smile a knowing smile because she will know a little about comforting that mom.
So what do you and I do, if anything? For one, we can drop the cliches, the cute little things of comfort that everyone says because they can't think of anything else to say. I have said to some: "I've been through something similar to your situation and know you must be hurting." To one lady I knew well, I said, "You go ahead and cry and I'll pray." There are some things people have to walk and live through...things that are just a part of living, but that are hard none the less. People need to know they can trust us with their feelings. There are very few people who ask me how I'm doing with whom I can trust a statement of need. There are many times I would like to say, "This has been a really hard day." I know there are friends in my life who after I make that statement never ask for details but who, I know, will pray for me. Those people are rare jewels in my life.
No matter the areas of life that are so difficult for us, they equip us for ministry. I have been convinced for years that our various experiences give us a "license to comfort." Paul explained this as clearly as anyone can. God had comforted him in all of his trials and through that comfort, Paul learned how to comfort others with the same comfort he had received from the Lord. We must never waste a single thing that enters into our lives. We are to be busy about ministering in the lives of others. God will give us wisdom as we function during these times of ministry. What a privilege is ours to comfort others with the comfort that we ourselves have received from the comfort of God.
Try something...sometime, sit down and list those places you have been in your life that gives you a special license to comfort. Some of these might be: death of a loved one, breast cancer, divorce, errant child, parent of special needs child, caregiver of elderly parent, unfaithful spouse, fired from job, and the list could go on and on. It will be amazing how the Lord will bring folks across our paths for whom we can be an encouragement.
Dear Father,
Things have happened in my life that have made me wonder why You allowed them. You knew who would cross my path later who might be walking a path I have already walked. Help me to be sensitive to Your wisdom as well as to the needs of others around me. Thank You for the way you comforted Pau,l for then he could extend that comfort to others. May it be true also of me. Thank You so much for all the ways You have comforted me and seen me through some very difficult days. Thank you, my Father.....Amen
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