Grief Is No Fun

...weeping may endure for a night,

but joy cometh in the morning.

Psalm 30:5b

Having been a social worker for many years, I think I've witnessed more grief in the lives of human beings of all ages than I care to see. However, anyone who has drawn breath on this earth of ours will face grief at one time or another. Grief isn't picky. Grief comes into the lives of the youngest and oldest of we human beings. It shows no preference for the rich or poor. It doesn't recognize race or those of certain political persuasions. Grief doesn't notify anyone of its coming. By the way, grief doesn't care if a person is Hell or Heaven bound.

So, what is grief? Grief is the reaction to loss of someone or something to which a bond has been formed. Grief can be summed up in one word...LOSS. Sounds almost too simple doesn't it? Grief comes as a result of losing someone or something. Grieving is that human process of dealing with that loss.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross an expert in the study of grieving was one of the first to come up with five stages of grieving. Other specialists have done their own versions, but in all of these versions, I don't think I've seen any stages of grieving viewed from a spiritual angle. Believe me, I'm no expert on this subject but have seen or experienced grief in my own life to know how the Lord took me through it.

First, what are some of those things that can bring grief into our lives. Some of these things, people may not think grief is involved but it very well can be.

                                ADULTS                                CHILDREN

                                Death of spouse                    Death of parent

                                Divorce                                  Loss of family togetherness

                                Death of parents                    Death of grandparents

                               Job loss                                   Death of pet

                               Miscarriage                             Death of friend or sibling

                               Change of living location         Moving from friends, school

                               Loss of health                          Loss of health

                               Child custody                           Loss of innocence...abuse

                               Lost wedding ring                     Lost blankie

                              Suicide in family                        Loss of parental contact

                              Empty nest                                Siblings leave home

                              Trust                                          Trust

There are probably more things people could grieve over but notice the last thing I put on both lists. This loss of trust can affect us deeply. If we have been scammed, betrayed, had a friend or relative break a promise or even someone of great faith we have admired who goes astray or turns their back on God...these can all be issues of trust for us.

So how do we deal with this thing of grief (loss)? Below are five steps. The world can define each one but so can our faith experience.

DENIAL

One of the saddest things I've seen is in this area where a grieving person can get stuck. This is very difficult because when bad news comes, no matter how it comes, our first natural tendency is to say, “I can't believe it...I just talked to her yesterday...can't be.” That reaction is meant to be a buffer against great shock but most don't stay here. Some of the finest Christians I've known because of their deep faith have often responded with: “Oh Lord, is it true?” Some even ask, “Dear Lord, why?” By the way, it's okay to ask why. Jesus even asked His Father from the cross “Why hast thou forsaken me?” We usually quickly come to the conclusion that God is on His throne and knows what He's doing, despite our sadness.

ANGER

This comes in degrees. Again I consider it a buffer of sorts. The feeling in this area is usually,“It's not fair.” This is an area where a person just can't afford to stay for long. We've all known adults who have lived with anger for years. I've seen adults, angry from their childhood who act out in many ways caused by unrestrained anger. In our day, we hear a lot about people being recommended to take classes in anger management. Judges often make that recommendation to felons who stand before them. Let me say this though that Jesus is the only answer for any kind of anger problems. There's not a psychologist or psychiatrist who through months of talking or medicating have removed anger problems from people. They can only put a person back in denial. Jesus is the answer.

BARGAINING

We've all been here. Most of the bargaining is where people get spiritual, even an unsaved person. Certain statements can be heard such as: “Lord, I'll do anything if You can change this...I'll even be a missionary to Africa.” OR “Please heal her, Lord...give it to me and not her.”

If we haven't said some of these things, we've heard others say some similar things. This is an exercise in futility but at least begins to bring us to some reality. In essence, no matter who we are with faith or no faith, we recognize that God is powerful enough to change things.

DEPRESSION

When the bargaining doesn't work, then is when the bottom drops out and we can enter the depths of depression. To a great extent, this can be normal. When we have faced great shock or trauma through loss, the things that usually happen are loss of sleep, usual routine, spiritual activity, etc. Any of those things under even normal circumstances could bring us to depression. Depression can also come with chemical imbalance in the body that requires a visit to the doctor to discuss medication that might help. Most people in this state feel that life just isn't worth all of this but it is. In all of this loss we will learn and love again with our Lord as our teacher and Savior.

I think of Elisha when Ahab and Jezebel swore to kill him. Elisha fled for his life, running for miles. He went with little sleep, food or water. He was to the point of giving up on life. God stepped in insisting that Elisha stop and rest. He sent an angel to minister to Elisha with sustenance. Job as well went through untold pain having lost his children, health, wealth and respect of his wife. Even he got to the point of asking, “Why was I born?” God had allowed Satan's testing but at the right time, stepped in healing Job and bringing him back to even more wealth, children, etc. In both cases, God was the answer for them and still is for us.

ACCEPTANCE

I have known people who have come to this point quickly, especially when perhaps the death of a loved one occurs after a very long and painful struggle with pain. We never like death but sometimes can see it as a relief for one even though we will still miss them. We may find that wedding ring in a short amount of time. It is here that we can say, “I can make it...God is still working and will continue to work in the hard times.

Some people get all the way to acceptance and fall back into anger and even depression. We can never sit back with a prideful attitude that we have “made it.” You and I have known people who in middle age or older revisit childhood abuse. There are adults who revisit the breaking of an engagement while in their 20's. Satan loves to remind us of negative and hurtful events in our lives.

I don't know how often I have said to folks that when we find ourselves in the middle of great trauma or difficulty, it's too late to prepare for it. Wise is the person who develops good spiritual habits, not that our faith should ever became routine. The practice of regular prayer and Bible reading is a must. We should be involved in our church whenever the doors are open for Sunday school, church services and even Bible study meetings. In saying this, I'm not saying this thing of grief is simple. Grief for some can be a very long journey but when we accept the presence and help of God, it can be of greater help than we can imagine.

May I suggest something that is almost a lost art for most Christians...Bible verse memorizing. We may not remember exact verse addresses at all the right times but the precious words from Scripture can be a soothing balm when we feel great stress. Have different topics of verses in your arsenal...some for praise, encouragement and comfort. For instance:

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind

is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord

JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.

Isaiah 26:3,4

After all, as Paul tells us in I Thessalonians that we as Christians aren't to sorrow as those who have no hope. That doesn't mean we won't sorrow or grieve but we have a strength as Christians that the world will never understand. We must take advantage of that wonderful strength supplied by our loving Savior. He will never leave us hopeless for He is our hope.

Lord Jesus...Keep me tucked under your arm of love...hold me tight in the palm of your hand so that no matter the grief and sorrow that comes my way can be endured and You will help me come forth as gold. I love you. Amen